In my mind and far away, I escape myself and avoid this day.
Disconnected and shut down, oh God I really do want to drown.
I dream of places where I’m not me, where my life could be easy and I can just be.
Avoiding life and how I feel, the feelings deep down that I repeal.
I find inside a place that hides, the broken ones with all their lies.
The words of curse that broke me down, that left me feeling like an ugly clown.
They said I deserved all that I got, you stupid girl this is your lot.
I rescued myself from all that I knew, by tripping away like a bird that flew.
As the years went by, I couldn’t fly, I felt disconnected but didn’t know why.
I looked inside and saw myself small, still hiding and avoiding all that was tall.
Living my life stuck in between, the me that was grown and and the one that I’d seen.
Left far behind, frozen in time, trauma hurt and loss of all that was mine.
Dignity stripped and naked I stood, before my accusers I became like wood.
I want to leave her way back there, because I hate how she feels and all she lays bare.
Ugly and sordid, dirty and shamed, so angry and hated for all I was blamed.
I locked her away and punished her still, until it was me she wanted to kill.
I feared my own self and what I could do, so I began a life that was totally new.
I smiled and laughed and served God all the way, but inside my being was like a dark day.
Exhausted and spent tired of death, stalking me hard to steal all my breath.
Running away from those very dark days, that left me bereft in all of my ways.
I came to a stop. I heard the faint cries, that welled up inside me from those with the lies
The ones who believed all that was said, who wanted to spend life hidden in bed.
I turned around, I fell to the ground I sat there and said, I need to be found.
I asked for God’s help to help me accept, the true life story that I had left.
I told myself you are brave and strong and and now it’s time for you to belong.
I’m sorry I hated. I rejected you long, I’ll learn to accept all that went wrong.
My life that was hard is a part of me now, I will embrace it and process with God who knows how.
He’ll show me the truth, and chase out the lies. He’ll love me and help me break those soul ties.
I choose to know all of my parts, even dirty and broken they all have God’s heart.
God knows all the troubles they helped me endure, He wants us to feel his love that is pure.
God I’ll go back and with you I will pack, all of those traumas in a big sack.
I’ll release all my parts to go out from that place, I’ll trust you Jesus to be a safe space.
I will go to the real truth and not run away, I’ll choose stay present and embrace a new day.
By Barbara Lepson. 2016