Battle Scars

The visible battle scars of her hurt and angry soul were carved in stripes across her forearms. The newer cuts were still red with inflammation, shouting at me about the despair and turmoil on the inside. Betty is fighting for her life. In fact, she has been fighting all her life.

Fighting to live, and sometimes fighting to die. Betty is anxious, snapping her joints, bending her fingers hard, pinching herself and digging her fingernails deep into her skin, seemingly oblivious to the pain. I try not to be disturbed by the ‘coping’ taking place, and focus on being calm, approachable and safe.

“What do you want from this day with me, Betty?” I ask. “To get through it,” is her response. She went on to say, “Nothing else seems to be helping. I’m still hospitalized, suicidal, and still struggling hard.” Fear and panic began to increase her breathing, then she held her breath–fearing of fear.

Betty had recently been hospitalized for attempting to kill herself. Betty loves Jesus, has a Masters degree from seminary, attends church regularly, attends small group and has received healing prayer.  Yet, she still has a strong desire to die and end her pain. Why can she not get relief? Why does death seem the only way out? What are we all missing?

I look into her eyes, “Who is there that feels so desperate?” I gently ask. Recognition flashed, but also fear. I continued, “You’ve done such a good job of helping Betty,” A strong voice said, ” They wouldn’t listen!” (In the hospital) “What were you trying to tell them?” I ask gently.  The voice replied, “They want to make us go away! They didn’t believe us!” I queried, “What didn’t they believe?”  The voice said, “That we are here! They [the doctors].” I replied, “I do hear you. I know you are real. Who am I talking to? Do you have a name?” The voice replied, “NOBODY!”

Who is Nobody?

Many of you reading this have already come to a conclusion about what the entity Nobody is.  Any other voice besides Holy Spirit is a demon, right? Some of you are dismissing this as crazy and believe that it needs to be shunned.

Have courage to consider what I am writing. We believers are sometimes too quick to make a ‘spiritual judgment,’ because we get uncomfortable or scared, as if Holy Spirit won’t be able to keep us from ‘error.’

Nobody is a dissociative part. Not a demon.  An alter part. Dissociation is a normal response to trauma. Dissociation levels vary. Sometimes, people can be fully dissociative and not able to be present, because a part has come forward and taken over in response to a perceived threat. Mostly, though, dissociation is not that strong in function. It is the feeling of unease–that you can’t quite pin down the source of. It is the fearful passenger who was in a bad car accident years ago. It is the voice of denial saying, “Nothing bad ever happened to you,” when you wonder why you have few memories of young childhood.

Dissociation is the stuff we excuse saying, “That’s just how I am,” even though it really makes no sense. Some of you reading this just got uncomfortable at the thought that dissociation is common to all of us. Dissociation is common to all of us, because all of us have been overwhelmed in some manner as children. And, all of us have the physiological God-given ability to separate from pain and emotions that are scary by creating dissociative parts to ‘remember’ for us–so we can be OK. Car accidents, tornadoes , emotional and physical abuse, all can cause us to dissociate some or all of the memory. It is just not so obvious to most, as it is in Betty. Children do not have the capacity to cope with fearful events, physical pain or emotional pain. To avoid being ‘stuck’ in it, children create in their brain dissociation parts to ‘distance’ themselves, so they can get on with life. Have you ever wondered how kids seem to survive horrible circumstances so ‘well’?

How can dissociation be helpful?

Back to Betty. If dissociation is so ‘helpful,’ why is she cutting and suicidal? Why is she fearful and desperate to live, yet desperate to die?

I thanked Nobody for helping Betty with her feelings when she felt like she was nobody. A tattered, bruised and broken little girl being sexually abused by her father and viciously hurt by her mother. There was no safety in her house. I thanked Nobody for helping protect Betty from the bad memories that contained feelings that would erupt and overwhelm and need expression. But the feelings are real. Some bad things did happen. Denial is one of the strongest defenses we use to avoid the unavoidable. ‘Nothing bad ever happened to me’. Betty could not avoid what was being done to her except to create dissociative parts to take the abuse in her place, and others, to reinforce that it never happened. That way she could have a ‘good’ relationship with her dad and have some safety, as if he never touched her. If abuse never happened though, Betty would not be struggling as she is and would not have parts with names like Nobody. This part is one of many dissociative parts who helped her pretend as a little girl, that it was alright what they did to her. “If I am nobody, I have no value,. Therefore, it is OK what they are doing to me.” Take this one step further and include God in that. “God has not protected me/rescued me, therefore I have no value to Him either.”

GOD AND DISSOCIATION

Fast forward to when Betty as a young adult, has an encounter with the love of Jesus and embraces Him. Everything changes for Betty, right? She can read all those wonderful scriptures about being loved with an everlasting love, and that He is our healer, and then, she can begin to change. Betty goes for healing prayer, she wants to embrace what she is hearing and learning about God.

The problem is that, some scripture triggers her. And, the voice she hears in scripture is stern and condemning, not loving and accepting. Nothing works. The endless voice in her mind says, “I just want to die. I just want to die. I just want to die.” Unceasing. Relentless. Still fear upon fear.

People who do care suggest this scripture and that book. She devours them. Still experiencing panic attacks. Still afraid in church. Still in immense pain, debilitating migraines, intrusive thoughts, and wide awake nights. “God why do you heal others but not me? What’s wrong with me? Why am I such a mess? Why do I still want to die, and why do I still cut?” This is Betty’s life, her struggle. Despite all the help, for her, it seems that there is no help. Even God, it seems, can’t help her. She’s too broken. Too dirty. Too hopeless.

What to do about relationships and dissociation?

What can we do in our relationships with each other, to not cause more pain and hurt? What do we do and say when people are trapped in hopeless life patterns? Surely scripture, small groups, church, and quiet times are what they need to be doing, right? Not often. But, that is for another blog.

Betty had no idea why she is the way that she is. None. She has been diagnosed with PTSD, treated with medications, hospitalized when suicidal and no one can tell her why she is still struggling so much. Oh, they can tell her that she has been traumatized. And, she can agree that her mum did some bad things to her.

She tells herself, “But, it wasn’t that bad. My dad was wonderful. We were really close.” Betty rationalizes. Betty has NO MEMORY of being sexually abused. Can you imagine having such intense emotional pain and not knowing why? Dissociation keeps the truth from us. We cannot remember ‘what’ happened to us, therefore nothing bad happened. Denial is a powerful mechanism.

What can we do in our relationships to not cause more pain and hurt? What do we do and say, when people are trapped in ungodly life patterns? Surely scripture and small groups and church and quiet times are what they need to be doing right?

Betty came to me, not because I have a Ph. D. in psychology, (which I don’t), but because she had tried all the ‘normal’ channels of help. That moment, I recognized her dissociation, affirmed the reality of her parts, and began the true healing journey for Betty. Not an easy journey. Denied truth, when uncovered, can be shocking and painful. It is also freeing. It is the truth that we know that frees us to heal.

How to recognize dissociation

I work with and understand dissociation. It’s really simple, Church, we need to learn to recognize dissociation. We pray for people who are struggling and are desperate from the cycle of failure that they are in, and we make it worse for them. I was in another country in 2007 when a women was brought to me for prayer. She was shaking in fear. She felt demons all around her in her house. She was in perpetual fear–fear upon fear.

I did not understand anything about dissociation at that time. I did my usual thing. I asked Holy Spirit to show me what was going on. She fell to the floor and went quiet. I asked her to be gently placed in a chair. I got down to her level. I looked in her eyes and saw a little terrified girl. “I see you in there. I see you, and Jesus sees you too! He loves you!”

Recognition alighted in her, and she burst into tears of relief. A huge smile emerged. There was no more shaking. The rest of the night she was just ‘full’ of what Jesus had done. He touched a terrified dissociative part and brought peace. I can honestly say that I really had no idea what had just happened. Now, I realize Jesus showed me how to pray for people more effectively. Of course it’s not just that simple, and she would have had more going on there because of her fear level. But, God taught me something that night about dissociation.

Dissociation in our midst

Betty is in your congregation. She is the one who is erratic. The one who comes to service on Sunday and dashes out in a panic. She’s the one who doesn’t like your hugs or pats on the back. She’s the one in your congregation who is in a cycle of despair. Betty is not easy to connect with. In fact, you have tried, but it got complicated. And, you felt her push you away. Or, you reached in and helped, expecting progress and improvement, and nothing changed. She is the one who used to ‘go forward for prayer’ all the time. But, not anymore. Too disappointing. “God you seem to touch and heal others, but why not me?” She thought.

The ‘Bettys’ in our congregations make us uncomfortable. There is nothing you can say to that. No scripture. No “I have a book you should read.” No “Let me pray for you.” Scripture gets heard in a condemning voice, filtered through anger, rage and hurt. The ‘Bettys’ in our midst, nail themselves on the cross, reject themselves for what has been done and said to them, but they don’t know all of what has happened to them. So, they assume that they are crazy, hopeless, and of no value.

They want to die to get out of the pain that never seems to end. They are afraid to live and afraid to die. God seems impotent, and His people are too. If Betty came for prayer with fresh cuts in her arm, shaking, and not able to really tell you what she was experiencing, most of you would think, demons. You would want to take authority and deal with them. Instead, we need to think ‘parts.’ Many already traumatized people are re-traumatized in churches, small groups, conferences and psychiatric hospitals, not by intent, but from a lack of knowledge. I cannot stand by and not speak out. We are re wounding our wounded. And, I believe that it grieves the heart of Jesus.